I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
