Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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