I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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