my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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