I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
