The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
