On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
