Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
