Will you blow on my dice?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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