i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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