Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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