He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
