I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
