miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
