I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
