I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?