before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.