Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
