Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
