Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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