Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
