peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
