3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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