Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
