help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
