Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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