what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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