I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
