i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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