A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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