That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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