I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
