It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i barfeds in our rink
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
