Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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