this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
