i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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