I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
