Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
