We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
