May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
