just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I AM VODKA MAN
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
