I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
