I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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