I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
