On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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