The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
