I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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