how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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