i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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