just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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