No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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