I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
