Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
