I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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