You just made me feel so damn special
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
