So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
