Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Randomize
