the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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