i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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