She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
