Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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